I might not make it

What horrible person created Spring Break? I have no memory of ever enjoying this time off from school. As a teen, I never had the money to go on those cool spring break vacations to Florida or Mexico. As an adult, I am doing nothing but dreading the rest of this week! I woke up this morning with high hopes. I had a great day planned. I was going to keep the girls busy and entertained and happy. Where did it all go wrong? We didn't even make it to 8 a.m. without something being thrown and names being called. I swear, I think my daughters truly despise each other sometimes. They get along famously when conspiring against me - when they're doing something wrong or illegal. But, other times, the older one tells the little one "Shhh. You're annoying me." They really tried to drive me crazy today. I can't see me making it past Wednesday - forget about the end of the week. How do people do it? I can't pay for boarding school, so I'm doomed to have these two girls together! I know the kids (and teachers) need a break from school, but does it have to be here? I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better. Tomorrow, they'll have me tied up and locked in the closet while they scream their heads off and beat each other up. And maybe Wednesday we'll have a picnic. All I know is the liquor cabinet is calling my name. So maybe if I'm drunk for the entire Spring Break, I'll enjoy it more? Can't hurt.

Chatter

If you're ever in a store and you see a woman walking around, looking at the shelves, and talking to herself, don't jump to the conclusion that she's crazy. Today, while waiting for a prescription in the drug store, I watched some of the women who were shopping. They're reading labels out loud. They're asking questions and there is no one around to answer. They're wondering aloud if the generic is just as good as the name brand. As I watch and listen, I realize that I do that too. I walk around and talk to myself when I'm shopping or performing another task. Maybe I am losing it. Maybe I have created a group of imaginary friends who can listen to me, but never talk back. Then, I realized the true reason women do this... It's chatter. Chatter is all we hear. It's like a constant white noise that starts when we wake up and doesn't stop. It's the radio, the alarm clock, the bathroom noise, the kids waking up, the husband asking where his favorite t-shirt is. It's the noise at the breakfast table, the school bus, the car radio, the teacher, the cashier in the coffee shop. It's work and traffic. It's the hum of the computer, the windchimes outside, the birds, the cat scratching to get in (or out), the phone, your BFF telling you about her crazy day, Noggin, Disney, or whatever channel is on in your house. It's the microwave, the fridge, the sink, the dishwasher. It's cooking, laundry, vacuuming. It's kids fighting and laughing and yelling and asking you over and over and over to come and play with them or to "watch this, Mommy." It's reading books and husbands snoring. It's constant chatter and noise. It's endless. So, when ladies are by themselves, they don't know what to do. They feel lost without that chatter. So, they start talking to themselves. Don't laugh. Don't stare. Don't judge. Because you do it too - you probably just don't realize. Just treat the poor woman like you would a sleepwalker - let them be unless they're going to harm themselves!

Bad Breath?

Kids say the darndest things, right? We all know it's true. They usually wait until the worst time or at a moment that embarasses you the most. My kids are famous for their one-liners, but this one I just had to share. Turns out Sabrina has a wicked nasty ear infection and the stuff is draining out of her ear. But, this morning, I didn't know that and thought it might be her pacifier or something stuck in her hair. So, I'm holding her in my lap and scrunch up my nose and say "What is that smell?" And what does my adorable and loving daughter say??? It's probably your breath Mom!