Letting go

Do you get a little bit of a queasy feeling in your stomach when you are watching your child do something or go somewhere for the first time? I took the girls to the lake this week and there was a dock there where kids could jump off. I wasn't too hesitant when she wanted to jump off in the section that was about 5 or 6 feet but then she asked to go to the diving dock where it was about 8 feet deep and the first time she jumped, I think my heart fell to the bottom of my stomach. Of course she did it 50 more times and everything was fine and she had the best time but it was that initial jump. It's like the first time you put your child on the school bus or let them sleep over a friend's house or watch them drive away when they get their driver's license. Letting go is just so hard sometimes. I know my job as a parent is to raise a person. Too often, we want to keep our children at that baby stage where they depend on us for everything, but we're not doing them any favors by not teaching them how to survive and thrive and learn to do things on their own. I don't want my kids to be scared of life. But how do I teach them to not be scared when sometimes I'm filled with fear and apprehension? I remember the first time I took my oldest daughter on a ferris wheel. I hate ferris wheels. Truly hate them. I'd rather get bitten by a dog than go on a ferris wheel. And I'm not even talking one of those giant ones where a few people sit in a saucer and go around. I'm talking those little rinky dink carnival ones that tilt and swing back and forth as you go round. Just thinking about it makes me dizzy. So we were on it and I was starting to have a panic attack and I remember closing my eyes but trying to do it so that she couldn't see me. I wanted to scream, but I just kept saying "Isn't this fun?" I think she could totally sense my fear and panic because she doesn't much like ferris wheels now. I guess my fear rubbed off on her and I feel bad about that. It's strange. I used to be pretty adventurous. I'm no survivalist or anything, but I've been bungee jumping and hot air ballooning and dove off a cliff and never shied away from a roller coaster. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, but I'm getting more afraid of things. I worry alot more now than I used to and get these little twinges of panic when it comes to my kids. I guess that's one of the things you deal with as a parent - the challenge of letting go a little bit at a time. I'm sure it never gets easier.