Let them be little

My oldest daughter today reminded me that my youngest only has two more Halloweens as a teenager. Of course, it hit me hard and the constant reminder that my kids are no longer little always makes me sad. I wish we could have a double version of our kids - one that grows up and becomes a wonderful adult and then another one who never gets older than kindergarten age so we can continue to enjoy all of those wonderful times.

Her comment made me think of Halloween and that debate about whether or not teens should trick or treat. I never understood why people would even question that. When I was a teenager, Halloween involved eggs and shaving cream and very rarely had any candy. Looking back, I would not have minded a couple of Blow Pops and M&Ms. Mind you, I am from a time when some people did give out apples or a handful of candy corn or five pennies twisted up in saran wrap or (the worst thing ever) raisins! 

But why do we assume that once you hit a certain age, you don't want to dress up and walk around the neighborhood with your friends and get free candy? What is the age limit? Do you hit puberty and all of a sudden the only thing you can do on Halloween is watch scary movies, walk through a dark cemetery or TP someone's house?

I know we can't treat our kids like babies their whole lives, but can we let them act like kids a little longer? Is high school the age when our kids are supposed to "grow up"? It's not like they are learning how to be adults there. They don't learn basic skills like addressing an envelope or doing taxes. They don't learn how to write a resume or fill out a job application. They are basically expected to know how to do everything but get very little in the way of actual real world education. Seriously, ask your kid to make their own doctor appointment and they might pass out! 

Some families are very good at teaching their kids how to live life. Laundry, changing a tire, taking out trash, helping with groceries - all of these things we have to do as adults. Some families are pretty bad at it and have kids who grow up expecting someone else to do those things or think they somehow magically happen. I'm somewhere in the middle. I feel like I taught my kids enough to do it on their own, but they still have no problem letting me do things for them.

And yes, I still do have trick or treat bags for my kids. I will still help them make costumes if they want - especially since I'm not about the traditional female costumes (sexy nurse, sexy police officer, sexy black cat). And if a 16 year old comes to my door, you can be sure they are getting a handful of candy. Because, let's face it, if they are taking the time to go walk around with their friends and be silly and have fun and get free candy, that is the better option than what they could be doing.

So give them the candy and don't question it!💀

Conversations

Recently, I was waiting for my order in Five Guys when I hear a woman and her son talking behind me. The conversation was moving. It was moving because the son was moving and the woman (I'm guessing mom) was following him. He was a cute kid, no older than 5 or 6, and he seemed very interested in the drink machine and the person making a shake and putting a cherry on top of it and the huge bags of peanuts and the french-fry-making process and the counter filled with buns and lettuce and pickles. 

He wasn't obnoxious or intrusive in any way. He was just quiet and curious - as if all of this was new to him and he was calmly absorbing all of it. I felt that. I love watching the people at Five Guys do what they do, because there is so much happening and they take something that can be so chaotic and turn it into a chorus. All I wanted was my little burger, but instead all I could see was this little woman back and forth in front of me as the child moved away from her.

No part of that kid was at all interested in what his mom was saying. Normally, that would not surprise me because certain places can be interesting to kids - especially if there is a lot going on. It's not like they were sitting at a table with no other stimulation and she was trying to give him something to do to stave off boredom. She was actively pursuing this kid in an attempt to have a conversation. The problem, to me, was the conversation and I could see why ketchup and bacon and cheese was much more interesting to him.

"Did you know my Grandpa was in the war?" 

No response. 

"Do you know what war is?" 

Staring at the whipped cream being squirted on the shake. 

"War is when people fight against each other with guns and people die." 

WTF?

In my mind, I'm thinking if this chick will have this conversation with her kindergarten-age kid in public, what the heck is she talking to them about at home? 

There is currently a war raging in Gaza and I would never minimize the impact it has on families and nations and the world. I know people need to learn about the history of that conflict and understand there is much more to it than what we see on our regular news channels. But at that age? Am I wrong in thinking he's a bit too young to understand the ins and outs of terrorism? I know we live in a very different world than we did 60 years ago (I was trying to do the math and figure out what war her grandfather was in) but I still think that children can learn things in broad, generic ways rather than a how-to guide of semi-automatic weapons and tanks. I know that there are children in the world who have to deal with war and terrorism and violence and traumatic reality and I am sure their parents do not want to have to talk to them about the types of things they face on a daily basis. I also know that, as Americans, we should teach our children that they are fortunate and should pray for and love their peers all over the world who may not have the same luxuries and basic rights that we enjoy.

That kid was lucky that the only problem he had to face at that moment was if his mom would let him eat the extra fries in the bag on the way home.

She didn't stop talking and finally, they called my number and I got my bag. As I was walking out, I heard him ask for a strawberry shake. I didn't wait to hear her answer.

No comparison

Now that my youngest daughter is away at college, I find it even harder to share things about my journey through motherhood. There are days when I see other people posting on social media about the incredible time they are having. There are days when my daughter sees the same thing. There are even days when I will get a text or an e-mail from an acquaintance asking me how she is doing. My answers have gotten more and more generic. I feel like if I tell someone about a struggle, they respond with "it will get better" and then tell me how their child is smashing it. 

Sometimes, it is hard to be happy for other people's happiness. I realize that their joy is theirs to have and I should celebrate with and for them. The paranoid side of me thinks they are only getting in touch so they can wave their child's success in my face. I know that is silly and probably untrue, but it still feels that way at times. 

I try to appease myself by thinking that so many people these days live an Instagram life. They post pics of their happy family online, taking wonderful vacations and posing in matching outfits on the beach or at the apple orchard. None of us really sees what they are actually like at home or what they might be suffering through so judging and comparing isn't really fair. I need to just respond to the text with "That's great!" like the post and heart the picture and be happy for their happiness. 

I wonder if my mom worried about me when I was away at school the way I worry about my daughter. College for me was a loooong time ago. I don't remember if I was afraid or worried or anxious. There was no ability to text or FaceTime and my first semester meant calling home from a payphone in the hallway so I am sure there weren't that many calls. I also had a very different upbringing than my kids. I was what people called a "latch key kid". Mine was a single mother who worked, so when my sister and I were old enough, we walked home from school and did our homework (well, she did) and chores (again, she did) and fended for ourselves until she came home from work. I drove my kids to school (until they could drive themselves), they came to my office and then the pandemic made me a work-at-home mom. But my mom didn't have to deal with social media. She only had to deal with the other moms walking past them on the front stoop or if she happened to pass them in the store aisle.

Many of these parents who tell me how great their kids are doing are also the same parents that didn't go to orientation or didn't know what time high school graduation started or didn't wonder what classes were best for their major. It might not be that they don't care, but they are doing the right thing and letting go little by little and giving their child more independence. None of us is perfect. None of us is doing it the right way. We are all just doing it the best way we can. So no more comparing. I will keep loving your posts and will try harder and harder to mean it.